I use to never share things that happened in my personal life. I mean I do share a bunch from my trips and things when I am home but there is more than just travel and sitting at my desk kind of looking like I am productive.
So here I go.
The other day I was basically falling apart because one I was beyond exhausted from driving 6 hours from Charleston plus getting a flat tire, and to be frank finances. Finances make me so anxious and you know what I am not ashamed about it. However, wrap those three things together and I was a complete mess last night and I hate showing that to my mom but I broke. I broke down and could not hold it anymore and luckily, I felt safe to break down. I have learned that it is okay to ‘fail’ and to have to ask for help. It is hard to hear especially from your mother. My mom is an amazing woman who inspires me and makes me strive to be half the person she is. During the talk, she kept saying one thing that has strived with me today. It is time to do something to change these problems; it is time to look at things differently, to take a different approach.
In addition, for the first time we truly half-ly discussed my blog. Funny part about it was that I had a kind of similar convo with a friend I have meet through blogging and we agreed that sometimes not everyone supports you and that my friend is not why I type things out or share what I share. This blog is honest to God just for me but it still bugs me when I am already feeling like I am going to fall apart. However, the thing about this convo is she said maybe its time to take a step back from the blog. I was rather floored because she had no idea that I had taken two months off because of what was going on. In addition, she had not seen how much better I felt the first day I started to work on here again. I feel in my gut the problem is that I have to either dive feet first or give this little spot of the Internet up. I wish I could say that I was ready to jump feet first but the anxious feeling of supporting myself scares me. I applaud those women and men that build themselves up and support themselves and do it with so much humility; it warms my heart. How can one fully dive into something when the people they love and cherish the most do not even read or take a moment to look at things? Instead, they are questioned from others about how am I doing because I post so many ‘new’ outfits on the blog. Or they see a glimpse of something or ‘sigh’ when I ask them to do something social media related for me. Maybe it is because I am completely and utterly the complete opposite when it comes to social media and sharing things. Therefore, it is hard to express what I want or why I want it.
At the end of the day, it is honestly all about how I feel. Right?
So we are all just going to see where these thoughts and feelings take us next because well I kind of want to jump feet first but before I do that I think it would be best to build a net to fall into.
“I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.” — High Fidelity, 2000