The year is new the air is fresh and we are all about to make goals and promises we most likely will not keep. That is one of the main reasons this post has been written since the beginning of December. I will not be gracing you with New Years resolutions and hopes and wishes. I will grace you with what 2017 so graciously taught me.
2017, oh how you taught me some tough lessons.I learned a lot about myself but moreover I learned a lot about relationships. Do not worry you did not miss any secret relationships. I mean the day to day relationships we have with those around us. I learned that some people are like chameleons and sometimes you do not want those kinds of people in your life. Sometimes, sadly, friends come because of circumstances not because you really were amazing friends to each other. Many friends are just as amazing as you remember them and your friendship just gets stronger. Friends you might have had second thoughts about show their true colors and you realize how blessed you are to have them in your life. All and all I am scarcely happy with how relationships have gone and where they are going. When you find the ones that mean something hold on fast.
I learned there is beauty in numbers I mean look at #metoo the support for the victims makes my heart melt. I also learned there is beauty in being alone. Solo time and solo adventures where you can learn and grow are weirdly important. Though having that solo moments means you should also allow those that want to be there to support you support you. I am scarily notorious for wanting to handle everything myself. I do not want to share the health problems I have, I do not want to share when someone makes me feel inferior or scum of the earth, I do not want to let you know when you have hurt me so bad it opens old wounds, I do not want to admit I have old wounds. Sadly not sharing makes me worse and it makes people believe they know how I am. Do you really know who I am? Some of you think I am just a tech nerd, some of you think I have a silver spoon in my mouth, some of you think I am a full on jerk, some of you think I hate your guts, some of you think I am not sentimental and too blunt. Guess what I may be those things but at the end of the day they do not fully show who I am as a whole person. Some I could get rid of if I just decided to share.
A huge thing I learned this year is about mental illness issues. It is a heavy thing that is happening right in front of us. I sadly watched others brush it under the rug. Treat it like it was a piece of glass that was shattered but not broken, so at any moment it could come crashing down. However, far and few in between truly accepted what was happening as a mental illness. The true words of what happened were never spoken, though I would love to be blunt with you guys are share what happened it is not my life or right to share it with you. Regardless of the specifics of what happened in my life the words, suicide, anxiety, bipolar, Depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and etc. are all true illnesses that we as a country need to accept. The first step for the country to accept it is for you and I to accept it. 2017 was the year I whole heartedly accepted it because I saw some of it first hand and I will say that I even battle with some, depression and anxiety got the best of me recently.
The next one took me all of 2017 to find out but in all honesty it took me over 3 years to figure out. I do not believe I have been myself once I moved to Birmingham. The day I wrote this post I went to work and in our morning touch base we talked about making a gingerbread house as a competition with the company. We decided only a few people should do the actual icing to make it cohesive. I was thinking to myself I would love to do this, I was already picturing it in my head based on their ideas, as my coworkers listed off the “artsy” people in the store my name was not mentioned. Lord knows I was not going to nominate myself. So I sat there wondering and realized that I never ever showed my art side of me at the store. I have always been known as the tech person and who would believe that the girl that is scarily good with numbers, technology, and science would actually find joy in the world of art and if I do say so myself I’m not that bad at it. I was one of the business students that found her way into the art buildings more than others. I loved art history and my drawing classes, what I would give to take some of those again. I felt myself at ease when I was in those classes. Even the art history class where we even had exams. I learned that day at work that I never showed that side of me though that side of me is weirdly enough a huge part of me. I have thought about going back to school to take more classes and maybe even major in a form of art. You can lose yourself in art and I find that beautiful. I never allowed myself to be whole heartedly me while living in Birmingham, is that common? Do we lose a part of ourselves when we move places? Or was this a stop on my road trip where I was suppose to learn a little bit more about myself?
“Your only enemy is fear.” – Woman in Gold, 2015